Now, to anyone unfamiliar with my UGH lists, there are a few things to keep in mind. One, I don't go out of my way to watch too many bad movies each year, because I don't get paid to do this, so it's a waste of my time and money to watch things I know I'll hate. Two, these lists aren't just my least favorite movies I've seen all year, because most of the movies I would include that way would just be boring and bland, which means I really wouldn't have much to talk about at all. And third, I can even include movies that I enjoyed on this list, as I weigh the overall value I feel the movie has to offer (subjectively, of course) against my hopes and expectations going in, so if I genuinely expected a 8-9/10 and wound up with a 6, I call that a pretty huge disappointment, and it will probably find its way onto this list. Is that fair? Probably not, but I don't care. If you want fair and balanced movie coverage, I'm sure you'll enjoy pouring through hundreds of totally unbiased amateur critics on Letterboxd (lol good luck), or hack professionals like Peter Travers who have zero personality whatsoever but feel like inserting horrible puns into their reviews makes them seem noteworthy. Still here? Good, let's move on.
tldr; UGH movies are films I hated, expected more from, or just found to be a waste of time/money. This isn't a Razzies list of terrible movies, because I usually don't watch those.
P.S. Peter Travers sucks.
I normally would make a straight-up top 10 list, but this year I'm breaking it into a few categories to cover the most area without it all being too samey. I could fill this list with mediocre horror movies, but I wanted to spread out a bit, so let's see how this works out.
First category...
Horror Trash
These are the 3 most bland, uninspired, annoying horror movies of the year. I had to make the most cuts here, but a couple more will be named at the end of the whole post.
3. Pet Sematary
I can excuse a movie for being just dull and lifeless, but if you're going to take an existing story that was so fun (even accidentally) and turn it into a pile of serious, dark mush, maybe try just making your own crappy story instead? The original Pet Sematary movies are far from high art, but they were at least entertaining and had some memorable aspects. I've forgotten about this movie more times than I can even count, and I only watched it a handful of months ago. It could have been fun, it could have even been creepy, but instead it just existed. Poor jump-scares, awful twists, and nothing noteworthy at all.
2. Lords Of Chaos
This is one I actually found myself looking forward to. I've always found the early black metal scene interesting, and while the documentary Until The Light Takes Us painted a very thorough picture, I prefer movie movies and found this story to be a very cinematic one. What I wound up with was a bizarrely semi-comedic movie filled with American actors playing Scandinavians who felt more like punk posers than black metal figures. It was all so childish and silly, none of the characters were developed at all, the tone was all over the map (was this supposed to be a comedy, drama, or horror?) and the acting was so terrible it became almost impossible to get through by the end. I hated this mess of a movie, and the fact it didn't land at #1 is a true testament to the incompetence of what follows.
1. It Chapter Two
When it comes to trashy jump-scare filled horror movies, I have a fairly high tolerance. For about 100 minutes I can tolerate poor character development, obvious musical cues, dark, muddied cinematography, and constant spooky images popping out at the screen. I really don't mind that kind of garbage, because I'm just used to it. But when you follow up a very well-made, well-cast, and genuinely creepy movie with a nearly 3-hour-long mess of a movie with all of those same issues, you've got yourselves a horrible disaster on your hands. I spent a good deal of this movie actively angry at how much of a waste this whole production was. Nearly every aspect of it was awful. Every character went virtually nowhere from a development point of view, every scene ended with awful CG creations jumping at the screen, every time even the tiniest bit of creepiness found its way on-screen, some dumb crap would happen to totally derail it...it was just a huge mess. Maybe Stephen King's ideas work well on page, but when you put some of this coked-out crap on screen it looks every bit as idiotic as you might think, it isn't creepy, and it proves what I've already thought for a long time: King is a hack. His ideas might resonate with people, but everything surrounding those vague concepts is pure garbage. And this movie is no exception.
Acclaimed Film-y Films
This category is for movies that were loved by critics. These are mostly movies for movie buffs that I just didn't buy into, or serious awards contenders that I wish were eradicated from the discussion.
3. Rocketman
Last year we got Bohemian Rhapsody, which was a bland and forgettable music bio about Freddie Mercury that I have grown to dislike quite a bit over the past year, but this movie sounded like it might have hit all the right notes and stand apart somewhat. But really, I don't see it. The acting is obvious and act-y, the musical numbers are distracting, the story is so played out, and the entire framing device feels to hackneyed it's a wonder it wasn't filmed for Hallmark or Lifetime. This is a mediocre movie through and through, and the praise that's been heaped upon it is every bit as unwarranted as it was for Bohemian Rhapsody.
2. High Life
I'm going to keep this one short, but the overall gist is this is a bland and boring movie that I just couldn't find myself invested in at all. I think I fell asleep during it and that didn't make a difference at all. Maybe this is one I'll need to revisit, but I don't want to. I found the entire experience miserable -- not even my brief nap felt restful.
1. The Irishman
I have no aversion to long-ass movies. I've sat through tons of 3 hour epics, and some that go on far longer than that. What I have a problem with is a 200 minute movie that tells a story I feel could have been just a thorough and interesting in about half that time. But let's not leave this with you thinking the length is my biggest problem with this movie, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. Robert De Niro's lead performance is so unconvincing and dull, I felt like I was watching B-role footage. The visual effects they used to de-age him looked awful, but more importantly than that, he still has all the mannerisms and physicality of a near 80-year-old man. So when he was supposed to be in his 40s, not only did he look like a melted wax dummy of himself, but he shambled around looking like that melted wax dummy was actually a melted wax dummy of a mummy. Martin Scorsese's direction was sloppy and uninspired, the whole story was bland and played-out, the editing didn't help the glacial pace at all, and watching Casino for the first time immediately following this movie only served to remind me of the raw energy that used to pulsate through Scorsese's gangster epics. This movie was devoid of that energy, it was muted in its colors, lacked humor, and the only real redeeming thing about it was seeing Joe Pesci play such an against-type character, which I might add he did really well. So in spite of everything, at least it had one thing going for it. Nostalgia and reputation fuels this movie, and that's just not enough. The mere presence of famous actors and talent doesn't make the material they're working with any more fascinating. If anything, it just serves to disappoint when you consider how much better this might have all been had it happened 20+ years ago as it was originally intended. Sometimes people just need to know when to hang it up, and while I still believe Scorsese has more to offer film as a whole, his days as the king of the gangster genre are long gone.
Blockbusters
The title speaks for itself, but this time I'm just naming two movies.
Runner-up, Avengers: Endgame
I have come to expect a certain amount of overall quality from the MCU. As disinterested in the franchise as I may be, I have mostly kept up with the movies and usually find them at least mildly interesting and/or entertaining. And yes, this movie offered some good moments, but the nonsensical plotting, the poor (mis)use of time-travel, the cheapening of the villain, and universal love from almost everyone leave me just wondering what the hell I saw, and where did they keep the real movie? Not to mention the fact this is a super long movie. I just stopped caring, and while there were some great character moments and certain arcs had satisfying conclusions, the whole affair felt confused, messy, and poorly thought out. How could they carefully construct this franchise for so long only to allow the send-off for multiple well-loved characters be so botched? I'm clearly in the minority here, but I don't care. The Avengers is done as far as I'm concerned, and the beginning of the end starts here.
Winner, Spider-Man: Far From Home
The beginning of the end started with Endgame, but the end of the end was this monstrosity. What a joke. An audience-insulting pile of garbage with godawful character writing, a plot that thinks it's smart, and none of the leftover charm from the previous Spider-Man -- or even the Avengers, for that matter. There is an entire 10 minute scene where the villain explains his evil plot to characters who have been taking part in this plot with him from the beginning. Not even kidding, and the movie thinks it was so smart that the audience wouldn't have been able to comprehend it without this awful exposition. There's a scene where Spider-Man sends a drone to murder his love competitor while simultaneously using the same technology to spy on their phones. Not even kidding, and this movie thinks that's just funny and wacky stuff. This is just terrible writing, the tone is all over the map, Jake Gyllenhaal is utterly wasted as the villain, and the fallout surrounding the 5-year blip is all but ignored. I don't care anymore, the franchise is over, this movie is terrible, people are wrong about it, and I just want this franchise and these awful movies to be done. Guardians Of The Galaxy or get the hell out.
Utterly Pointless
All movies are pointless, I know. But this one moreso.
Winner, El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie
Deadwood came out earlier in 2019, a long-anticipated follow-up to the wonderful drama that was prematurely cancelled and never given a proper conclusion. That was a movie that served a purpose. It tied up loose ends, had a plot, and didn't just exist to cash in on the existence of a popular IP. El Camino, the movie following Jesse Pinkman after the events of Breaking Bad, is no Deadwood. I will start by saying I actually did enjoy this movie, as I have come to expect a certain level of quality from anything BB-related at this point, but when you consider everything that happens over the course of this nearly 2-hour "movie", none of it really needed to be shown, seen, explained, or followed up on. It ends basically how it begins, and the entire journey just feels like a filler episode in a drama series that was usually pointed, brisk, and clever. Was this a bad movie? Not at all, but it was definitely pointless, and that deflates it a great deal for me.
Hilariously Bad
This is one I'm especially happy to talk about, because I don't come across many "so bad it's good" movies from the current year, so this is a pretty new experience for me. That being said, the following should almost go without saying.
Winner, The Fanatic
I knew exactly what I was getting into with this, and I didn't even care. What exactly could you expect from a Redbox original movie starring John "Terl" Travolta and directed by the lead singer of Limp Bizkit? Really, would anyone expect this to be anything but total garbage? Garbage it may be, but hilarious it also be. Travolta weirdly seems to be giving it his all here, in a performance so misguided and simplistic, it becomes captivating. This is the kind of thing you might expect from Nicolas Cage, and I mean that in the best way possible. Really, this movie just suffers from having too few wonderful bad moments, with the general ineptitude of the filmmaking not being quite bad enough to be funny in its own right, relying entirely on Travolta for its guilty pleasures. Still, this is the kind of bad movie you can carry with you, with a handful of memorable quotes and a decent number of genuine laughs to be had from it.
The Rest
These movies just didn't quite make the cut in the other categories, but I still feel deserve a quick mention here at the end.
The Curse Of La Llorona
We don't need The Conjuring movies to expand outward, guys. We don't need more bland horror movies, guys. Guys, are you listening? Please stop?
Gwen
Speaking of horror movie fads that need to slow down, as much as I love the recent influx of folk horror, can we just leave ripping off The Witch to the professionals from now on?
Missing Link
I love Laika movies, I love stop-motion, and I like most of the voice cast here. The problem is the over-done premise and lack of originality. This is dull from start to finish and it feels like a huge waste of time and effort from a studio that only makes a new movie every few years.
The Nightingale
It's like if The Revenant didn't have great visuals and had over-the-top acting and a mustache-twirling villain. I seriously don't get the love with this movie, as it pretty much turned to crap by the end of the first act.
I've got plans for a few more year-end posts, then I'll probably go back and work on those UGH lists for 2017 and 2018, but it all depends on what's to come for me in my regular life this year. New decade, new countdown possibilities. It's all very exciting and also tedious, but I'm up for the task. See you next time, and thanks for reading.
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