Friday, August 12, 2016

So Bad They're Good - Top 50 Movies: Part I (#50 - 41)

I have a deep, undying passion for bad movies. Not just of the All About Steve/Jack And Jill variety, but of that particular breed of bad that's cheesy and idiotic to the right level. It's a hard kind of thing to explain liking, but I will try my best to make it known why I enjoy these movies, and maybe my fellow dumpster divers will find some more stuff to look at when they peruse this list. Sometimes these movies are trying to be funny, some of them don't try to be funny at all, and others are just so painfully dumb, there's no way they could be taken seriously at all. This list contains all forms of bad fun.

50. Cool Cat Saves The Kids

Year: 2015
Director: Derek Savage
Genre(s): Family

I love seeking out newer movies that look hilariously awful, and thanks to the video review by YMS (YourMovieSucks), I was made aware of this wonderfully idiotic little picture. A vain, self-serving, glorified PSA starring a dead-eyed weirdo in a cat suit who teaches kids important lessons, like that it's a good idea to open up messages from unknown numbers and how the best way to deal with bullies is to egg them on. It kind of makes me want to see Cool Cat deal with terrorists. I bet he'd give them a good scolding and tell them it's not nice to be not nice, or something stupid like that. This movie may just be a bad advertisement for Derek Savage's Cool Cat books, but it's harmless enough, and hilarious in all the right ways.

Best moment: The bully. Every scene he's in is hilarious thanks to the over-acting little weirdo.

49. Masters Of The Universe

Year: 1987
Director: Gary Goddard
Genre(s): Sci-Fi/Fantasy

The Cannon Film Group are responsible for so many of the best movies ever made, a statement I can make without any hesitation. During the Golan-Globus years, they produced dozens of hilarious and campy movies that are impossible not to enjoy, and this is one of the very best. Of course, these statements do come with an asterisk attached to them, as I wouldn't expect most people to see eye to eye with me in this regard. But this really is a lot of fun, from the costumes and bad effects, to the hilariously goofy acting and dialogue. This is exceptional '80s cheese.

Best moment: Frank Langella as Skeletor. Delightfully over the top, even if his makeup is...questionable at best.

48. Peter Rottentail

Year: 2004
Director: John & Mark Polonia
Genre(s): Horror

This movie definitely fits into the category of "movies that know they're totally idiotic", but that isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes just fully committing to stupidity is the best way to get results, and that's what happens in this killer magician/bunny movie. There were times I found myself doubting whether or not this movie was sincere or just the regular kind of bad, but the entire thing was the kind of bad I enjoyed nonetheless. Super low budget and every bit as silly as it sounds.

Best moment: Any time the titular killer bounces, making cartoonish "BOING" sounds.

47. Enter The Ninja

Year: 1981
Director: Menahem Golan
Genre(s): Action

The second Golan-Globus movie to make the list so far, this one directed by the maestro himself, Menahem Golan. When you blend three of the greatest campy aspects a movie can possess (Ninjas, Cannon, and '80s), it should come as no surprise that the result is going to be pretty glorious. Filled with super badass fight scenes and ninja stuff that are neither badass nor ninja-y, corny dialogue, and hilariously bad acting from everyone involved, this movie is absolutely everything you could expect from a movie called "Enter The Ninja".

Best moment: A certain infamous throwing star death scene.

46. Deadfall

Year: 1993
Director: Christopher Coppola
Genre(s): Crime/Drama

There is very little to be said about this movie, apart from the fact that fans of Nic Cage going crazy owe it to themselves to watch this. It would be much higher on this list, but sadly, his character is killed off (hilariously, I might add) halfway through. Don't worry, the rest of the movie is pure garbage, so you won't be missing anything by just skipping the last half and watching the first half again instead.

Best moment: NICOLAS CAGE

45. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Year: 2001
Director: Lee Demarbre
Genre(s): Action/Horror/Comedy

Filled with things like a gang of lesbian vampires, a random musical number, a talking mother Mary nightlight, famed luchador Blue Demon, and Jesus getting a shave, haircut, and dressing like a member or Sugar Ray, this movie definitely throws a few curves at you. Even with all this other weird crap, the movie still does live up to the promise of its name, even if the main actor looks more like a '90s bouncer than a traditional Jesus. It's just sincere enough to make the accidental humor work, but still self-aware enough to throw in a few funny jokes.

Best moment: A woman walks into a room filled with dead bodies and proceeds to scream dramatically for like 2 minutes.

44. The Gingerdead Man

Year: 2005
Director: Charles Band
Genre(s): Horror/Comedy

One of the tent pole films/franchises of Full Moon Entertainment (a low budget horrorish production company that make Blumhouse look like a bunch of amateurs...yeahhh...), The Gingerdead Man managed to bag the ultimate prize when looking to cast a serial killer reincarnated as a cookie: Gary Busey. That's right, the demented gingerDEAD(!!!) man you see before you was voiced by Busey himself. And honestly, he kind of owns it. This movie is obviously ridiculous, filled with awful writing and acting but runs at a tight 75 minutes, letting it's jokes play out, and never overstays it's welcome. But sadly, its sequel is one of the most unwatchable movies ever made. Oh well.

Best moment: The Gingerdead Man fires 17 consecutive shots from a 6-shooter the size of his own body, and doesn't reload or hit a damn thing.

43. Death Wish 3

Year: 1985
Director: Michael Winner
Genre(s): Action

Okay, okay, I promise this is the last Golan-Globus movie...on this post. But I can't help myself, when I'm looking to be entertained by pure crap, nothing scratches that itch quite like a Cannon film. An action extravaganza that takes the relatively compact premise of the first movie (which is shamelessly repeated beat by beat in the second one), and turns it into an excuse to set Charles Bronson loose on a crime-filled neighborhood that he finds himself blowing the crap out of. It drops all pretense of being an emotional journey and just finds new ways for our hero to kill the ever-loving sh*t out of everything in sight. Not as funny as some of the others, but's a total blast and one of my favorite overblown action movies of the decade.

Best moment: The entire third act. Action-packed, wow, explosions!

42. Fist Of Jesus

Year: 2012
Director: Adrian Cardona & David Munoz
Genre(s): Action/Comedy

Would I classify this as blasphemous? Its hard to say, considering how Jesus is the hero here and the film makes him out to be a total badass, but that's beside the point. At only 15 minutes, this goretacular short film is nonstop entertainment for anyone who wouldn't feel guilty watching Jesus defeat a zombie horde in some of the most creative and bloody ways possible. It's basically wall-to-wall action and gore, so fans of actual narrative content need not apply. Concise, and almost too much fun.

Best moment: [insert zombie kill]. Seriously, it's all gold.

41. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Year: 2002
Director: David Worth
Genre(s): Horror

I have tried my hardest to enjoy all those recent lousy shark movies, but very few of them have actually entertained me. I think it's because they're trying too hard to be funny and stupid without really "trying" at all to be clever, just hoping to make people laugh at their bad effects and terrible porno-grade acting. But this one, which I was shocked to find was only made a little over 10 years ago, totally worked for me on pretty much every level. The godawful green screen effects paired with hilariously exaggerated shark attacks and total gaps in logic make this one way more fun that it ought to be: and that's partially because it's obvious they were actually trying to make a halfway decent movie. Oh how I enjoy watching people's dreams go up in flames! A movie that would have been made irrelevant 40 years ago, looks like it was made 30 years ago, but was actually only made 15 years ago. What a glorious experience.

Best moment: The single worst pick-up line in know the one.

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