Directed by Seth MacFarlane
The story starts off as a sweet fable, and after the opening turns into your typical drinking, partying buddy comedy -- with the noted exception of one of the "buddies" being a talking teddy bear. Here is a concept that wears out its welcome the moment it is introduced. For a short segment, it might have been marginally entertaining, but as it is, this movie is far too long for all the more it has to offer.
Seth MacFarlane has moments of brilliance. Earlier Family Guy was one of the funniest shows on television, and even though the entire show was essentially a knock-off of The Simpsons, it brought enough new ideas to the table for it to feel like its own show. Since then, MacFarlane has spread far and wide, contributing to a multitude of shows, none of which being half as entertaining as his original. This entire film concept feels like just another in a long line of generally unfunny attempts by MacFarlane. This movie could easily be turned into a show, and I imagine it would be roughly equivalent to his Cavalcade Of Comedy -- which is by no means a compliment.
But enough with the bad, let's focus on the good: it might make you laugh a little. Depending on if you find MacFarlane funny or not, this movie might be quite entertaining for you. It brings his three favorite things to the table: non-humans that can talk, lots of swearing, and references to things. That's essentially all this movie is. And it goes on for 100 minutes. If you don't find jokes from his other creations funny, you won't find this funny.
Okay, now time to actually focus on the good. Let me think for a moment... this is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be... oh, wait, I've got something: Mila Kunis. There's no way I can ever dislike her in a movie, and that is only partially not the case here. And this is largely due to Wahlberg's character, who despite delivering some clever lines, is one of the most blah leading characters you might ever find. His gimmick is basically that his best friend is a gimmick, which, by proxy, is meant to make him somehow interesting. It doesn't work, but I congratulate them for trying something so tricky.
As you read this, you might find yourself saying "well, this guy just has it in for Seth MacFarlane!", and you wouldn't be totally off the mark. You see, I used to love Seth MacFarlane. But for the past 10+ years, he has made the same exact jokes over and over and over again, and I'm tired of it. Ted is no different from anything else he's done, only now you have to sit through a full-length movie of it instead of just 20 minutes. And now, due to the success of this juveline attempt at humor, he will undoubtedly be making more just like it. Ugh.